When We Don't Get Along

Relationships are complicated and dynamic. Whether personal, intimate, or professional, they all take time and energy to maintain; some more than others. At work, it can be very easy to feel trapped in a relationship because it's generally not practical simply up and quit or get transferred to another department. What do you do?

Well first, how does this even happen? It could be a simple clashing of egos or personalities. Maybe your coworker has an annoying habit. You might think he's rude, impulsive, or arrogant. Maybe you think he keeps taking credit for your good work. Maybe you think he keeps passing you over for a promotion or in some other way keeps you from climbing that ladder.

Sometimes you can go to H.R. Violence (physical or emotional), sexual harassment, even body odor are things that can make for a quantifiably hostile work environment and should be taken to H.R. But when it comes down to personality issues and character defects those aren't necessarily H.R. kinds of matters. 

Otherwise, the best course of action is to talk to the person about the issue. He may or may not acknowledge the issue as a problem and may or may not try to change it. If he doesn't change, it can be really easy for us to get passive-aggressive and try to make them change ourselves. Maybe we covertly place a bottle of hand sanitizer on his desk because he's not good about washing his hands. Maybe we start sharing pages from our inspirational Maya Angelou daily desk calendar because he's not very thoughtful.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with politely asking someone to change their ways. However, it's imperative to know that it's impossible to make someone change. If you ask someone to do differently but they don't, there's still a change that happens and it's critical to understand this:

He is no longer the one with the problem; you are.

It doesn't seem fair, does it? He's the one with the irritating whatever. It doesn't bother him. You have no control over it. You have options though:

1. Get over it
2. Get away from it
3. Get overwhelmed by it

Option 1 is probably the hardest because it requires you to be the one to change. We're not good at internal change. And when I say, "Get over it," I mean to truly let go it, accept that he will not change, and cease to be bothered by it. This takes time. This takes patience. This takes love.

Option 2 isn't always very practical. For your own health and well being, it may be necessary to consider it. If you can't find peace with your coworker, it may be the only way to get away from your feelings of frustration.

Option 3 is hopefully not an option at all for you. This is where you neither get over it nor get away from it. Situations like this are breeding grounds for resentment. Some very wise people once told me that resentment corrodes the container. Left unresolved, this can lead to you becoming a bitter, unfulfilled person and cause you to hate a job that you once loved.

Coworkers don't always become friends but that doesn't mean they have to be enemies either. Talk problems out with your coworkers but also look within because sometimes the solution is stored within your own heart.

Channeling Emily Post: Meeting Etiquette II

A few weeks ago, I wrote about some tips on how to be courteous when scheduling a meeting or receiving an invitation to a meeting. Today I present the companion, being courteous during the meeting.

Meeting courtesy begins long before the meeting actually starts.

• Do your homework: If you've been asked review a document or perform some other preparation, do it at least a few hours in advance so that you can be thorough and have enough time to let it sink in.
• Prepare your handouts: If you're providing handouts, print them early because the printer will always jam and take longer than "normal".
• Use the restroom before the meeting.
• Arrive early enough that you can be ready immediately at the scheduled start time - no waiting to find a find a clean sheet of paper, pour your coffee, or boot your laptop.

During the meeting:

• Be sure to have brought a notepad, tablet, or laptop so you can take notes. Don't expect that you'll remember everything you need, a handout, or a post-meeting summary.
• Put your phone on silent and check your messages after the meeting. If your presence at the meeting isn't important enough that you think you can be checking your messages, then why are you at the meeting? If an emergency does come up then the meeting should be postponed so that everyone can participate.
• Be an active participant - ask questions and offer personal perspective when appropriate.
• Remain focused on the topic, don't start unrelated conversations with other people in the room.
• End the meeting on time.

After the meeting:

• If you uploaded files to the meeting room computer, remove them and turn off all  equipment.
• Clean up after yourself - if you have garbage (e.g. an empty coffee cup), throw it out; if you provided refreshments, don't leave the remnants in a mess
• If you've been assigned a post-meeting action item, complete it promptly.

The universal key to etiquette is to be considerate of other people. Treat other people, their time, and their property how you would like to be treated. Keeping this in mind should make meeting etiquette a breeze.

Channeling Emily Post: Meeting Etiquette

When your team grows beyond a handful and staff members have obligations to multiple projects, inevitably scheduling collaborative meeting time can be tricky. And then "tricky" turns into "frustrating" when common courtesy becomes extinct.

You can help save your coworkers some frustration by keeping in mind a few simple guidelines when it comes to scheduling meetings:

1. If you receive an appointment request, please respond promptly so that the requester can reschedule if necessary.
2. Please make sure all time unavailable is recorded on your calendar – out of office, personal appointments, vacation, etc. Even if you're working from home, it's nice for that to be indicated on your calendar because some meetings just can't happen by conference call.
3. For meetings outside of the office, please make sure the duration of the unavailability includes travel time.
4. If reserving a conference room, make sure it is included on the appointment, even if it's a spur-of-the-moment meeting.
5. If you have previously accepted a meeting request and can no longer attend, please decline promptly. Your presence at the meeting may be essential which could require the meeting to be rescheduled.
6. If you scheduled a meeting and can no longer attend, please cancel promptly so that attendees can remained focused at their current task.

Remember, meetings occupy the time of multiple people. Failing to apply a small amount of consideration can cause a huge waste of time. The wasted time isn't just when staff is sitting around waiting for someone to show up but also in the time that they require shift focus back to their other work. Courtesy also helps to keep meeting productivity maximized by preventing attendees from stewing over other attendees showing up late or not at all.

Update: Read the sequel about etiquette relating to the meeting itself.