A Common Vocabulary

A while back I asked if ignorance and close-mindedness meant the same thing. Admittedly, I asked this question to prove [to myself] that I was right and someone else was wrong. With the passage of time, that motive has all but vanished leaving behind a stellar example of a necessary component of communication: a common vocabulary. When this component is missing, communication can't happen. It's like taking your hair dryer to Europe and plugging it in with your converter set incorrectly. The appliance tries to run for a few moments and then the motor burns out because it's being supplied with the wrong voltage.

This all started on Facebook when an acquaintance of mine posted the following:

It struck me as odd that he should be so perturbed by ignorance. I have a very distinct memory going back to the start of my sixth grade school year. My teacher that year was quite the literary scholar. A few days before the start of school, the teacher held an informational meeting for all of the students and their parents. It was a means for everyone to get to know each other a little better and go through the daily schedule and other things about the impending term. I have no memory about the context anymore but somehow he was explaining ignorance. He said that there was nothing wrong with ignorance; it was simply not being knowledgeable about something. For some reason this has stuck with me all these years.

I asked my acquaintance if he really meant close-mindedness rather than ignorance and explained how I believe that those two terms express different meanings. This sparked a lively debate in which he contended that they mean the same thing.

This one word, just 9 letters, caused a communication impasse. This was just a Facebook post that had no weight of importance whatsoever. Just imagine though the implications of how a one-word communication misalignment can affect an outcome between a supervisor and employee. What about in a contract between client and vendor?

Verbal communication is a pretty complicated process and even though we start it at a very young age, it's still easy to muck it up well into adulthood. If my manager says she wants something done "right away" that could mean

1. Stop what I'm doing now and switch to that other task
2. Finish what I'm doing and then switch to the other task next

But it also has to be taken in context. Should I work through lunch or stay late? Is there a client call schedule for later in the day? Is the developer going to be out of the office tomorrow?

I think the key principle here is to eliminate ambiguity whenever and wherever it is perceived. Ask questions. Be explicit with expectations.

With my conversation above, six out of six respondents to my survey said that ignorance and close-mindedness did not mean the same thing. But there is that seventh person out there that has a different understanding, regardless of the situation.  He might be someone new that the client brings onto the project after the contract has been written. We don't always share a common vocabulary but by being proactive about the seventh person lurking out there and then being as descriptive as possible, even of that which seems obvious we can ward off problems before they happen.

When We Don't Get Along

Relationships are complicated and dynamic. Whether personal, intimate, or professional, they all take time and energy to maintain; some more than others. At work, it can be very easy to feel trapped in a relationship because it's generally not practical simply up and quit or get transferred to another department. What do you do?

Well first, how does this even happen? It could be a simple clashing of egos or personalities. Maybe your coworker has an annoying habit. You might think he's rude, impulsive, or arrogant. Maybe you think he keeps taking credit for your good work. Maybe you think he keeps passing you over for a promotion or in some other way keeps you from climbing that ladder.

Sometimes you can go to H.R. Violence (physical or emotional), sexual harassment, even body odor are things that can make for a quantifiably hostile work environment and should be taken to H.R. But when it comes down to personality issues and character defects those aren't necessarily H.R. kinds of matters. 

Otherwise, the best course of action is to talk to the person about the issue. He may or may not acknowledge the issue as a problem and may or may not try to change it. If he doesn't change, it can be really easy for us to get passive-aggressive and try to make them change ourselves. Maybe we covertly place a bottle of hand sanitizer on his desk because he's not good about washing his hands. Maybe we start sharing pages from our inspirational Maya Angelou daily desk calendar because he's not very thoughtful.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with politely asking someone to change their ways. However, it's imperative to know that it's impossible to make someone change. If you ask someone to do differently but they don't, there's still a change that happens and it's critical to understand this:

He is no longer the one with the problem; you are.

It doesn't seem fair, does it? He's the one with the irritating whatever. It doesn't bother him. You have no control over it. You have options though:

1. Get over it
2. Get away from it
3. Get overwhelmed by it

Option 1 is probably the hardest because it requires you to be the one to change. We're not good at internal change. And when I say, "Get over it," I mean to truly let go it, accept that he will not change, and cease to be bothered by it. This takes time. This takes patience. This takes love.

Option 2 isn't always very practical. For your own health and well being, it may be necessary to consider it. If you can't find peace with your coworker, it may be the only way to get away from your feelings of frustration.

Option 3 is hopefully not an option at all for you. This is where you neither get over it nor get away from it. Situations like this are breeding grounds for resentment. Some very wise people once told me that resentment corrodes the container. Left unresolved, this can lead to you becoming a bitter, unfulfilled person and cause you to hate a job that you once loved.

Coworkers don't always become friends but that doesn't mean they have to be enemies either. Talk problems out with your coworkers but also look within because sometimes the solution is stored within your own heart.